First Date Politics

We had first met a week earlier, at a leaving party for a mutual friend. We hit it off reasonably well and exchanged numbers, agreeing to meet for drinks.

"I'm not going to kiss you" she said. Two minutes earlier we had been talking about tapas. The only thing we had discussed passing our lips was the chorizo on the specials board.

"Really... Why do you say that?" I asked "Because then I'd end up sleeping with you" she said. "Is that the new rule? Kiss someone and you have to sleep with them?" I said. She laughed and poured out the remainder of the bottle of rose. "I just thought I'd put it out there" she said. "Look, a kiss is a kiss" I said, "and it doesn't have to be followed by anything ok, so let’s just chill and enjoy the Rose”. I raised my glass “Cheers”

Five minutes later we were kissing. "I thought you didn't want to kiss me". "I didn’t but I liked what you said". With that she got up and walked to the ladies room, leaving me scratching my head, trying to remember what I’d said – if ever there was a time to write something down etc.

I was finishing my drink as she came back. “Let’s go somewhere else.” she said, finishing her drink. It was only after we had left that we saw the time. It was gone 01:30 and any of the bars nearby would be closing shortly. “Do you have anything to drink at your place?” she said “Yep, wine, gin, take your pick” I said, as I hailed a black cab.

Once in my flat I opened a bottle of Rioja left over from Christmas. I was pouring the glasses in the kitchen when she joined me and kissed me. We started drinking the wine and 5 minutes later we were in bed. So far so wet you might say.

We kissed as she lay on top of me, naked as the day she was born as our legs entwined and then...

Her – I can’t do this

Me – I’m sorry?

Her – No, I can’t do this

She pulled away and paused, and then moved on top of me again, kissing me as her hand reached down to discover how happy she had made me.

Me – Are you sure, because it doesn’t really feel like you can’t from here... or there (as she continued stroking mini me with her fingers)

Her – Well I shouldn’t. .. Oh but I could so easily have sex with you now.

Me – Knock yourself out

We kissed again, our bodies a tangled collection of limbs as we moved under the duvet. The momentum was building, our hands searching each other as she broke the kiss again.

Her – No I can’t. I don’t like sleeping on the first date.

Me – So stay awake.

Her – I shouldn’t.

Me – But we’re here now and this feels great, and we’ve had a lovely evening, so why not just relax and enjoy it.

She kissed me again before saying “ I can’t, but I’d love to”. And with that, she rolled off me.

“That’s fucking outrageous!” said G when I told her the next day. “It’s women like that that give the rest of us a bad name, you should have called her a cab and told her to leave”. A girlfriend of G’s was with us (we’ll call her G2). She said “You know what you did wrong don’t you? You should have gone downstairs and teased her, she obviously just needed coaxing.”

And herein lies the problem for us guys. We are forever being told that a girl has a right to say no whenever she chooses – period! Surely though if a woman wants to say no, then it should really be before she undresses and starts playing with the old chap. What’s a guy to do - should he leave well alone if she’s in two minds, or as G2 said, to go downstairs and wait until the volume changes?

On the night in question we slept on opposite sides of the bed. She caught the tube home in the morning. I agreed with G however and probably should have called her a cab. It’s not always easy though. When you’re pitching a tent under the duvet, the last thing on your mind are taxis.

Relationship Trouble

Upon returning to the UK, the first thing to note is the sudden change in temperature. The grey and cold of the weather in London is reflected in the tone of my mate M who calls me to see if I fancy a beer and a chat.

We meet in a pub just off the Embankment. Apparently the on/off relationship of the past 7 months with the accountant is now off again. In all the years I have known M, I haven't known him to be quite this hung up on a girl. Usually he is gregarious and good fun. Today however he is quiet, fidgety and looking like a confused child.

Me - So what's the story mate.

M - Oh i'm just feeling a bit down. It's the accountant. It's not happening.

Me - Really? To be honest, we've sort of had this conversation a few times before.

M - I know, but i've had enough now. I'm crazy about her but it's all me and i'm the one making all the effort.

Me - In what way?

M - It's always me who arranges things when we go out. It's me who calls her. I always have to go to her neck of the woods and she's only been to my place twice. She's interested and then she's not and then she is again. It's just doing my head in.

Me - Am I right in guessing that you're always available for whatever date or time she suggests?

M - Not necessarily.

Me - Honestly?

M - Ok, maybe.

Me - I was in a similar situation with someone just over a year ago, you remember? I received advice from my teenage niece of all people. Guess what she said.

M - No idea.

Me - She said shag her and then don't call her for a week.

M - And did you?

Me - Well no, but that's not the point.

M - Huh?

Me - The point is that you're too available. You're at her beck and call and she can reel you in anytime she wants.

M - So what would you do?

Me - Personally I think i'd draw a line in the sand and move on. Anyone who makes you this unhappy can't be worth it surely.

He looked forlornly into his beer and for a moment I had a horrible feeling that he was going to cry. With women crying in public, I usually feel a protective streak to make sure they are ok. Men crying at a funeral are in a bonding and sharing experience. But a man crying in a crowded pub on a Saturday afternoon is just.. well.. slightly embarrassing. Yes I know, that sounds harsh. Although that's probably because the person whom the tears are for, doesn't seem to be worth a single one of them. If I were to be protective as if he were a girl, then that would prolong the melancholy.

Me - Mate you're not going to cry are you? No one's ever going to shag you if you cry in a crowded pub.

M - No, I'm just thinking. I'm going follow your niece's advice.

Me - My niece is a teenager.

M - I'm still going to follow her advice.

He won't though. In reality, he'll follow the first part of my niece's advice and negate the second part, call her 2 days later and we'll have a similar conversation to this one in about 2 - 3 months time.

I'll tell you something my friends. I am always hearing stories about men being bastards - be it my friend G and the latest bad boy she is dating. Or be it the media circus surrounding the pantomime villainy of Ashley Cole. But seeing a grown man close to tears in a busy pub on a Saturday afternoon, makes you realise that when it comes to being a bastard, there is no monopoly between the sexes.

Bangkok Bar

Aware that I was travelling on my own, I popped into a bar at the end of Kao San Road. I remembered going there when I was last in Thailand about 7 years ago and where I had met some single travellers.

It was crowded as I walked in. Thai girls were playing pool with western travellers. Elsewhere football fans were watching the premier league on the big screen in the corner - I had forgotten it was a Sunday.

Standing at the bar drinking a beer, I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder. It was a Thai girl. She was pretty, petite and about 28 years old.

TG - Hello, where you from.

Me - England

She blew me a kiss and started to dance in front of me.

"I think you're in there mate" said a voice from behind me. I turned around to see a young guy on his own. "You reckon?" I replied. His name was Paul, he was 19 years old, on his first trip to Thailand and his mates had deserted him.

She walked up to me again and tugged on my t-shirt. "I like you" she said, before dancing some more. I chatted to Paul in between bouts of having my t-shirt tugged. We talked about where we were planning to travel to and what we planned on doing. I wanted to scuba dive in the islands. Paul wanted to have a few suits made as he was starting a job upon his return to the UK.

The girl tugged my t-shirt firmly as she walked up to me again.

TG - you, me boom boom, boom boom.

Me - Boom boom?

She grabbed my t-shirt, gyrated against me and grinned.

TG - Yeah boom boom, boom boom.

She whispered in my ear "Two Thousand bart"

I looked around at Paul, who was now talking to another Thai girl, and he gave me the thumbs up.

Me - I'm sorry, but no thanks.

TG - Boom boom, boom boom.

Me - Er.. still no i'm afraid.

She walked off as I looked at the girl with Paul. She was gyrating against him and he had his hands on her bum. She was quite tall as Thai girls go. Paul lapped up the attention as she kissed him and whispered in his ear. Seconds later he reached for his wallet and looked through the contents just as she turned to look at me and smiled. I could see where this was leading, and so I tapped him on the shoulder.

Me - Paul mate, are you doing what I think you're doing?

Paul - Yeah, why not, when in Thailand and all that, plus it's only Forty quid.

Me - She's not very petite like the other one.

Paul - Yeah but I quite like that. My ex was taller than me.

Me - Have you seen her Adam's apple? It's bigger than my fist.

Paul - What does that mean?

Me - Mate, it means that she's got a big cock.

He was aghast, as he took a fresh look at "her". Needless to say that he saved his money and bought me a beer instead. "Live and learn eh" I said. "Aye mate, cheers".