Age and Greenery

Some things in life are inevitable, such as the setting of the sun, the turning of the tides, Gordon Brown's Jaw, and the ageing process.

The last one there sort of passed me by. Well, when I say passed me by, what I actually mean is that I was never fully aware of the implications of said aging process. I don't mean simple things like elongated nose hair - although quite what life has in store for me that I require extra long nasal hair to deal with it, I shudder to think. Some older readers may read that last sentence and think the same of elongated ear hair. If anyone can help me out with why I have needed to buy a pair of tweezers in the first regard then please do tell.

No, the thing I am talking about re the ageing process is how your tastes age in addition to everything else. Let me explain... It seems that I am now turning into my parents. This happened very suddenly and I lay the blame squarely at the door of some of my female friends. "Your flat looks too.. hmm... blokey". "Blokey?" I replied, in a raised tone of defensiveness. "Yep - it needs to be softened. Why don't you buy some plants or flowers, they'd look lovely". Now as a general rule, I have never bought flowers. They die within ten days and you wouldn't invest in a hamster if you knew it had the same shelf life.

Anyway, needless to say that I agreed to go, begrudgingly, on a plant buying spree with G (one of aforementioned platonic gf's), where i'm sure she enjoyed damaging my credit card on asorted house plants and other items. Now you might be expecting me to be sitting here now, begrudging spending good money on things that I didn't want in the first place,. Even more so with the knowledge that they will surely die if I don't water them at the exact same time each week or trim them or talk to them - something I have refused to do. There are limits after all! No, what I have discovered is that I love said plants. I have bought a vase and once a week I buy fresh flowers to sit in and generally look and smell good. And this is the problem...

From my early twenties I have generally rebelled against my ensuing age and even mourned the day that I could no longer go on a Club 18 - 30 holiday. I never actually wanted to go, (does anyone?) but the mere fact that I now cannot is something worth commemorating. Suddenly, in the midst of this rebellion, I have found that I now have a yukka plant in my bathroom and i'm happy to argue the merits of owning a vase of roses over a vase of Lillys (the pollen is a bugger with the latter). I was telling my good friend W about the new plant in my lounge and how the colour of the pot goes with the general colour theme of the room. It was at this point that I realised I had turned into my parents, as he looked at me and said "I'm buying you some Werther's Originals for Christmas".

FH

I am meeting FH tonight. I first met her a wedding a few weeks ago. Well it was at the reception in fairness and she was in another bar. It wasn't the most interesting of conversations, but she was incredibly hot and so some things are more forgivable than others. She had two pieces of news that she insisted on telling me. A) that her best and oldest friend had ruined her evening by professing his eternal love for her, and B) that she was still in love with someone in Germany. She then decided to start speaking in French and when she realised I didn't, went back to English.

FH - "Are you in the army?"

Me - "No"

FH - "Were you in the army"

Me - "Er.. No"

FH - "Are you sure"

Me- "Hmm.. pretty much yes"

FH - "But you look like you were in the army. I like army guys"

I'm wondering if she still thinks that i'm in the army. Will report back later.

What Is A Ten?

A 10, as I observed to my friend Pete this week, does not exist. He had asked my opinion on a girl he had seen, asking for marks out of 10 and had said "she's a definite 10". To my mind, a 10 is a sign of perfection. A 10, screams that in front of you is the most beautiful, elegant, dazzling and perfect example of a woman that you will find on God's clean eco friendly earth.

Pete is a lovely guy, great mate and loyal friend, however he also has a tendency to fall in love instantly and wears his heart very much on his sleeve. The heart on sleeve wearing is a double edged sword for Pete. His platonic girlfriends think he is completely lovely, whilst dates tend to think that he is slightly intense and overbearing. It's a complicated world we live in, but basically, he is both of those things He will admit it himself, even as he sends the 3rd text in a row to this week's flame professing love and adulation, shortly to be followed up by a 4th querying whether he's upset her.

As I explained my theory to Pete, he suddenly retorted with "Don't be ridiculous, look at her". I had to look again to make sure my eye's weren't deceiving me - they weren't. She was indeed pretty, but the thing is, as I explained to Pete, that by saying someone is a 10, what you are actually saying is you will never meet anyone better, ever, for the rest of your life. "Don't you agree?" I asked. He guffawed, which is Pete speak for yes.

His phone beeped. This week's flame will apparrently be busy for the next 3 weeks and is very into her work at the moment - a bad sign. I bought him a conciliatory pint as he cursed and deleted her number. "Onwards and upwards mate." I said, "Onwards and upwards".